Feeling the Pain!
This has been quite a week. I have spent every last penny I could scrape out of the jar on Christmas presents, and now, just in time for Christmas I’ve got a cold. Actually no, scrub that, I’m going to do the very male thing of exaggerating my illness. Let’s say it’s full on man flu, or because I’m after sympathy why not take it one step further and say that I’ve probably only got 24 hours to live. Quick, pass us a pen, I need to write out my will. “Chronic Exaggeration” is something us poorly men are extremely good at.
So whilst I’ve had four days away from fitness to recover from the dreaded lurgy, I thought I’d put together this handy yet sarcastic little guide entitled The Man’s Guide to Man Flu. Men and women everywhere can relate to this.
Four Man Flu Facts
- According to us fellas, it is more painful than childbirth. In fact, I ran a survey recently where I asked two men about this and they all said man flu really hurts and they wished they had access to ‘gas & air’.
- I’ll tell you what man flu isn’t. It isn’t just a cold. A cold involves having a temperature and a sore throat. A single man flu sneeze can wipe out the entire population of Europe if not caught with the strongest of man-sized tissues.
- More men die every year from contracting man flu than they do from any other illness as confirmed by the NHS (No Hope Surgery).
- Females cannot get man flu… it’s impossible. If men caught what the ladies get, then we’d all be able to go about our day happy, cracking jokes, fixing the car, doing housework etc without the slightest moan … probably.
* source: my imagination
Six Man Flu Symptoms
There are typically six things happening when a man gets ill and they are all quite serious:
Oh yes, plenty of it too. We spent the whole year being tough and never crying (I’m being sarcastic), so it’ll do us good to have the odd mini breakdown over the slightest of sniffles. But we don’t want to suffer alone, oh no. Let’s make sure every other person in the house, or street even knows about it. You see, we may only have a slight cold as ladies call it, but to us guys, it’s man flu, which is at least 80 more sneezes per hour than the ladies get. When we get ill, even if it’s the slightest of headaches, we have to make it out like we’ve contracted Ebola or something!
Sneezing for Attention
Not just any old sneeze; I’m talking great big whopping attention-seeking “look at me” sneezes. Everybody has to hear it, so that they feel sorry for us poor whimpering men. But let’s not put our hands over our mouths either. Men are responsible for ensuring every drop of spit drenches our loved ones from head to toe.
If we haven’t coughed or sneezed for ten minutes, it’s essential that we let out a little moan just to let our partners know that we are still alive and haven’t passed away due to our horrid illness. Make sure you call your mother, father, brother, sister and work mates to tell them how completely incapacitated you are due to your sudden unexpected bout of man-flu, or lazyitis as our partners call it.
Getting Everything Done For Us (Aka: Lazyitis)
Ah yes, it’s physically impossible to do anything when you are a man flu sufferer. We can’t walk, ok we can
talk moan, and we certainly aren’t able to lift a finger around the house. Oh no, housework? Not a chance. I mean, we can just about lift the remote control for the TV or hold the iPad to check our Facebook messages, so how can we be expected to do ‘tough’ things like wash our tea cups. Ladies know us guys are experts at letting dishes soak, which is our way of saying “Get lost, I’m not washing that!” but when we have man flu we don’t have the energy to even participate in dish soaking. It’s tough being a man.
I’ve kind of covered this above really. We cannot suffer alone, can we? Everybody must know that we are sick. I don’t just mean our partners, I mean Facebook, Twitter etc. There’s nothing better and more attention-demanding than a picture of yourself with droopy eyes, pale skin and a slight dribble of sick down your pyjama shirt. That’s sure to get the ladies giving you hearts! Ladies, make sure you hold you man’s hand, tell him to “get well soon babe” and pamper him like he pampers you all year round. Sometimes, we need assuring that everything is going to be ok and that we’re not going to die.
Missing The Toilet
Men have great toilet-missing skill. You see, when we are ill, we don’t really open our eyes fully, it’s impossible, so we can’t really see where we are spraying. This results in us missing the toilet our wives expected us to hit, and instead end up whizzing all over the seat, handle, wall tiles and your wife’s favourite face flannel. It’s like when a pipe bursts, you can’t stop it, water goes everywhere, and when a man is ill he doesn’t care about flooding the bathroom floor.
Ok, I’m feeling run down and just having a joke here obviously. I’m feeling positive. I don’t think I’ll die from my illness. I will beat the man flu and soldier on in my quest to become fitter! 🙂 Please share this article if you have suffered from man flu or are the poor unfortunate partner of a moaning male who’s claimed it affects him too!
More updates to come …
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